Ahhh..LOVE. We spend so much time searching for it, nuturing it, and thinking about it. What else makes life so worth living? Nothing else seems to compare in my book. I have entered a post-divorce quest to find that elusive true love, only to be met by heartbreak, again and again.
So I have to ask myself - Are my expectations too high? Am I making poor choices? Am I fulfilling a preordered destiny that I wanted to learn from? Maybe all of the above and then a few more that I am unaware of running things behind the scenes.
There have been great connections I have made, truly loving another person, since my marriage ended. Yet I have been met with the reality of the very hard work that a relationship carries. Especially for those of us who have loved a few times before. So many ghosts from the people before me. So many issues for the one I love due to those I loved before them. It is as if you lay down at night with 1,000 ghosts all stacked on top of each other, waiting to get a sharp word in, or a sneaky manuver.
I don't want to sleep with ghosts. So I work to erase them. I want to unravel the issues I have picked up from past realtionships. I pay attention, I listen to what is really going on. I chose the relationship, over and over. BUT - if I am the only one banishing ghosts, there are still 1,000 left jockeying for position. I can't make someone else get rid of their own ghosts. And if they don't want to get rid of ghosts, I have to move on. Or do I?
Maybe I don't. Maybe I have created that need to move on. Let's face it, most relationship problems are caused by insufficient communication and assuming you know what the other person is thinking. But if you ask and they will not tell you, what do you do? If their personal feelings are a big secret, what can you go on? I have been in that situation and I did not know what to do. So I asked what he was feeling -again and again. I asked until I was tired of asking and not getting a real answer. The ghosts were answering for him, by not answering. Fear ran his side of the relationship. So I ended it. Not because I wanted to. I felt I had to. I loved him. It hurt me deeply to end it, but I needed something back, I needed to know. Pushing him to tell me, just made it worse, so it ended.
How can I trust something when I have no idea what it is or where I am with that other person? I have found it to be very difficult. I would rather just not think about it and not listen for clues in conversation to tell me where the other person is. I must be honest, most of the clues I listened for, went the opposite direction of being "with me" in my last relationship. But then is it really a relationship if I am the only one in, or is it a crush that I can't shake?
There are times in a relationship when you must trust or have blind faith. Trust that it is strong enough, trust the other person you are "in relationship" with to want to be with you, trust that you are meant to be exactly where you are. I do trust easily, in normal circumstances. This time, however, the trust seemed like it was not allowed. I don't know if he wanted me to trust in the relationship or him. I can only speculate and gather information, but it appeared he wanted someone around when he was not doing other things with other people. Which is fine, if you are up front about it and don't let the other person believe it is more than that by default. Or maybe that is my issue. Maybe I saw what I wanted it to be and I created the entire thing all by myself. It really makes you wonder. More ghosts? Mine or his or both?
Are we all too damaged and ghost heavy to be in realtionships? No. I dont believe that. I know we can release our past realtionships. Yes, it can take hard work, and the process requires a lot of self reflection and often feels pretty crappy. But I would rather look at my crap and get rid of it, with the chance to truly love and be in love again, than live without love.
For me, life without love is no life. I mean every kind of love, the verb, the noun, love of partners, children, friendships, co-workers, any and all kinds.
But I am a bit tired of heartbreak too. So the artwork above, Unfinished Love Intoxication, is just that. Unfinished. Because my love is unfinished. But I will finish the work. Then I will write a happier blog about love. Because I will have healed some of the heartbreak.
Thanks for reading, Bestie. Thank you for being my friend through everything. I love love, love you!